"He is the past of everything, the present of everything, the future of everything, the beginning of everything, the end of everything, all time, all space, all you, all me, all him, her, and it. He may exist, or he may not, he may be dead, he may not have been born yet, he may know who he is, or he may never know who he is.
I thought about it until my head hurt but couldn't figure it out, no one can understand it, but that doesn't prevent us from living.
The world is vast, life is even greater, yet we are very small. Living, so to speak, is just using the small to gain the large, using our smallness to understand the greatness that changes and creates the world and life.
You might think we can't do it at all, but this is something we have done, are doing, and will continue to do in the future."
I woke up, looked at the time, it was 0:04, I had only slept for a little over an hour, which was far from what I imagined, I thought it was already daytime.
I don't know who she is, she was just sitting on a rock, talking about Him, I thought it should be Him, but it could also be him. I don't know if she was searching for the ultimate of the world or just rambling in sadness after a breakup.
Well, that doesn't matter, what matters is that I can't sleep now. So who is she really? I don't know the answer, but it seems like I already have an answer. She is my dream, my fiction, my romanticism.
Whoever she is, even if the sky falls and the dragon roars, it shouldn't delay my sleep. But I can't sleep, really can't sleep. I desperately want to hear her words again, I've almost forgotten the previous ones, so I hurriedly wrote them down in my phone notes, but no matter how I wrote them, I wasn't satisfied, always feeling like something was missing.
What is missing? Maybe I just need to see her one more time to understand, but she has already disappeared. I must see her again, so I desperately tried to sleep, but the more I tried, the less I could sleep. At that moment, I realized that desperation is useless when it comes to sleep, it resembles love.
Eventually, I gave up on desperation, lying there peacefully with my mind blank, completely still. I once heard someone say that when you can't sleep, you shouldn't toss and turn, just close your eyes and lie still, you can still rest, albeit shallowly.
Why do I want to see her? Just to understand Him. Can't I understand it myself? Can't I go see Him? Directly looking is probably not a good idea, they say it drives you mad. Then I'll just think about it, but I can't figure it out. It seems I can only understand through her, but she is gone.
Is there any way to bring her back? If she comes back, how can I understand Him through her?
I thought and thought, not knowing when I fell asleep, and when I opened my eyes again, I was back in front of that rock, and she was still sitting there. "Come on," she said, "I know how you feel, come here, I will help you understand it."
As she spoke, she stood up, wearing only a white shirt, probably silk, pure white like an angel. I looked at her, pure and perfect, my eyes wide open, wanting to control myself to escape, but my feet wouldn't listen to me at all.
Finally, I walked up to her, and she walked towards me, we fell in love in front of that rock. I felt the power within me about to burst out, and she told me to seize the opportunity, so I could "see" Him.
I think I seized it; at that moment, I saw the beginning of heaven and earth, the birth of all things, it was a void, an abstraction, a concept, indescribable. Everything disappeared, she left, and I woke up.
I don't know if she is a nun, but she is undoubtedly doing the same thing they do—helping believers see God. I don't believe in God, I haven't seen Him, what I see is just the material beginning."